By Chiagoziem Abosi
Edited by Bababunmi Agbebi
“What are you bringing to the table?”
It sounds like a harmless question.
But these days, conversations about dating in Nigeria can sometimes sound less like “Do we like each other?” and more like a business meeting.
Who pays for dates?
How much does he earn?
What can she contribute?
Does he have a car?
Will she support his hustle?
What does he have to offer?
What exactly am I gaining from this relationship?
And perhaps the uncomfortable question is this:
Have Nigerians become too transactional about love?
I don’t think the answer is a simple yes.
But I do think money, status and material benefits are playing a very loud role in how many people approach relationships, and Nigeria’s economic reality makes that conversation even more complicated.
Let’s be fair.
Relationships have never existed completely outside material realities.
People have always given gifts, supported partners, paid for dates, helped with bills and contributed to building a home together.
Even Nigerian marriage traditions involve economic exchanges. Bride price, for example, remains an important cultural practice in many Nigerian communities. Research among married Ikwerre women found that bride price was viewed as important to validating marriage, while also showing that wider patriarchal structures could affect women’s autonomy.
So, the idea that money and relationships have only recently met is simply not true.
What may be changing is how openly we negotiate the exchange.
“No romance without finance”
There is a reason that phrase has survived for so long.
Academic research on relationships in southeastern Nigeria has documented how emotional intimacy and material exchange can become intertwined, including the popular idea that there is “no romance without finance.” Gifts, economic support and other forms of material exchange can become part of how affection and commitment are expressed.
And that doesn’t automatically make a relationship fake.
If your partner helps you pay your rent when you’re struggling, is that transactional?
Not necessarily.
If you pay for dinner because you can afford it and want to treat someone you care about, is that transactional?
Not necessarily.
The problem begins when affection comes with an invoice.
Imagine telling someone:
“I spent ₦50,000 on you, so you owe me.”
That’s not generosity anymore.
That’s a transaction.
And we’ve seen versions of this conversation everywhere: I paid for the date, so you should come home with me. I bought you a phone, so you can’t leave me. I pay the bills, so I decide everything.
Once money becomes a weapon for control, the relationship has moved beyond healthy reciprocity.
Research on transactional sexual relationships among young women in Nigeria has also documented exchanges of sex, money, gifts, services and opportunities, with economic pressures sometimes playing a role.
That is an important distinction.
Transactional sex is not the same thing as a financially interdependent relationship.
We shouldn’t throw both into the same bucket.
But can we blame people for thinking about money?
This is where things get uncomfortable.
Nigeria is expensive.
The cost of food, transport, housing and other essentials has put enormous pressure on households. The IMF has noted that conditions remain difficult for many Nigerians, with higher food and transport costs continuing to weigh on economic activity and household welfare.
So, when someone says, “I want a financially stable partner,” should we automatically call them materialistic?
Maybe not.
Financial stability matters.
If you’re thinking about marriage, children, rent, healthcare and building a life together, money is obviously part of the conversation.
The problem isn’t wanting financial stability.
The problem is reducing a human being to their financial usefulness.
There is a difference between:
“I want a partner who is financially responsible.”
and
“If you cannot give me these things, you have no value to me.”
Those are two very different positions.
Let’s shake the table properly.
Transactional dating isn’t a “women are gold diggers” problem.
Men can be transactional too.
Some men expect sex because they paid for dinner.
Some expect domestic labour because they provide financially.
Some want a partner who looks good beside them because they see the relationship as a status symbol.
Some women want financial provision in exchange for affection.
Some men want beauty, sex or social status in exchange for money.
Different expectations. Same underlying problem: treating the relationship as an exchange of commodities.
Scroll through social media long enough and relationships can start looking like lifestyle packages.
Luxury dates.
Designer gifts.
Surprise trips.
“High-value” men.
“Soft life” women.
Provider men.
Independent women.
Everyone seems to have a checklist.
And suddenly, an ordinary relationship where two people genuinely enjoy each other’s company can look like somebody is settling.
But Instagram doesn’t show the full relationship.
It shows the dinner.
Not the debt.
It shows the flowers.
Not the arguments.
It shows the holiday.
Not the financial stress afterwards.
Perhaps we need to stop measuring the quality of our relationships by the amount of money being spent inside them.
So, are Nigerians becoming too transactional?
Some are. But I don’t think Nigerians have suddenly stopped believing in love.
I think we’re living in a period where economic pressure, changing gender expectations, social media and traditional ideas about provision are all colliding.
People want love.
But they also want security.
They want companionship.
But they also want a partner who can contribute.
They want romance.
But they don’t want to struggle alone.
Those desires aren’t necessarily contradictory.
The real question is what happens when the material benefits become more important than the person providing them?
At the same time, nobody should be shamed for wanting a relationship that provides financial stability, shared responsibility and a comfortable life.
Love doesn’t have to be financially blind.
But perhaps it should be financially honest.
Talk about money.
Talk about expectations.
Talk about what each person can realistically contribute.
And most importantly, ask yourself one uncomfortable question:
If the money disappeared tomorrow, would I still want this person?
That answer might tell you more about your relationship than any expensive date ever could.
Now, let’s hear from you.
Have you ever been in a relationship that felt transactional?
Share your experience in the comments. Let’s have an honest conversation about love, money and modern dating in Nigeria.
