By Suad Ayinla.
Edited by Bababunmi Agbebi
What happens when love turns into a battlefield inside the home?
Across Nigeria, domestic violence is no longer something that can be dismissed as a private family matter. Behind closed doors, many people experience physical, emotional, sexual, psychological and economic abuse from people they once trusted and loved. From reported cases of partners attacking one another to countless incidents that never reach the police or the media, intimate-partner violence remains a serious social problem.
The scale of the problem is reflected in available data. UN Women reports that, based on the latest nationally available figures, 19.6 per cent of ever-partnered Nigerian women aged 15–49 experienced physical and/or sexual violence by a current or former intimate partner in the previous 12 months. UNFPA also reports that about 13.8 per cent of women and girls in Nigeria have experienced intimate-partner violence, which includes physical, sexual, psychological and economic abuse.
Yet statistics cannot capture every victim. Many incidents are never reported because survivors fear retaliation, shame, financial hardship, family pressure or the possibility of being blamed for the abuse. Some victims remain in abusive relationships because they depend on their partners financially, have children with them, lack alternative accommodation or simply do not have a safe way to leave.
So why do people remain trapped in cycles of violence they never imagined, because they said, “I do” or “I’m yours”?
One reason is the normalization of toxic relationship behaviour. In some communities and popular culture, possessiveness, extreme jealousy and controlling behaviour are sometimes presented as evidence of deep love. Statements such as “he is only jealous because he loves you” can make dangerous behaviour appear normal.
But jealousy is not love, and control is not protection.
A partner who constantly checks your phone, dictates who you can see, prevents you from working, controls your finances, isolates you from friends and family, threatens you, humiliates you or repeatedly makes you afraid is displaying warning signs that should not be ignored. Physical violence does not have to occur before a relationship becomes abusive.
Economic pressure can also intensify conflict within households. Unemployment, financial insecurity, rising living costs and disagreements over money can create enormous pressure, particularly in households already struggling with poor communication or controlling behaviour. However, financial hardship should never be used as an excuse for violence. Abuse is a choice, and responsibility ultimately rests with the person who commits it.
Another major problem is the belief that marriage, pregnancy or children will change an abusive partner. Survivors may be told to “be patient,” “pray about it,” “think about the children” or avoid bringing shame to the family. In some cases, religious or community leaders may encourage reconciliation without first considering whether the victim is safe.
This can be dangerous.
Reconciliation should never be prioritized over the safety of a person facing violence. A victim should not be pressured to return to an abusive environment simply to preserve a marriage or family image.
Nigeria has made important legal progress. The Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act of 2015 provides legal protections against different forms of violence and provides remedies for victims and penalties for offenders. A large majority of Nigeria’s 36 states have domesticated the VAPP Act, although significant challenges remain in implementation, access to justice and survivor support.
The existence of a law, however, does not automatically guarantee safety. Survivors may still struggle to report abuse, access legal assistance, obtain medical care, find emergency accommodation or navigate the justice system. Strengthening enforcement therefore matters just as much as passing legislation.
So, what can young people do to recognize abusive relationships before they become dangerous?
The first step is learning the warning signs. A healthy relationship should allow both partners to maintain friendships, make decisions, control their own finances and communicate without fear. Constant monitoring, threats, intimidation, isolation, insults, financial control, forced sex, destruction of property and physical assault are not normal relationship problems. They are warning signs of abuse.
Young people should also have honest conversations about boundaries, finances, communication, conflict resolution and expectations before moving in together or getting married. Premarital counselling can help couples develop healthier ways of resolving disagreements, although counselling should never be presented as a substitute for protection when one partner is already violent or threatening.
Support networks are equally important. Friends, siblings, parents, colleagues, mentors and trusted community members can make it easier for someone experiencing abuse to seek help. Sometimes the most important thing a person can tell a survivor is simply: “I believe you, and you do not deserve this.”
It is also important to recognize that men can be victims of domestic violence. Women and girls remain disproportionately affected by many forms of intimate-partner violence, but men can also experience physical, emotional, psychological, sexual and economic abuse. A serious response to domestic violence should therefore protect every victim while recognizing the unequal burden experienced by women.
In Lagos, survivors can seek assistance through the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency (DSVA), while the Lagos State Government’s Citizens Gate platform also provides a channel for reporting domestic and sexual abuse. For emergencies in Lagos, the state government lists 767 and 112 as emergency numbers.
Beyond Lagos, Nigeria needs stronger survivor-centred services across the country, including shelters, legal assistance, psychosocial support, medical care and effective law-enforcement responses.
Most importantly, society needs to change the questions it asks.
Instead of asking a survivor, “Why didn’t’t you leave?”, we should ask, “How can we help you leave safely?”
Instead of telling victims to protect the reputation of a family, we should protect the person whose safety is at risk. Instead of describing violence as a “family matter,” communities, institutions and law-enforcement agencies must recognize it for what it is: abuse that can destroy lives.
Love should provide safety, dignity and respect. It should never require someone to live in fear.
If love is supposed to protect rather than punish, when will we stop treating domestic violence as a private matter and start treating it as the serious public crisis it is?
